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Psychoanalysis • Psychotherapy • Counseling

David I. Brandt, LCSW, LLC

Montclair, NJ Area

Tools & Insights


Getting to Know You!?™

Posted on March 29, 2014 at 4:17 PM
Getting to Know You!™

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"A man must eat a peck of salt with his friend, before he knows him.” Miguel De Cervantes

And that is A LOT of salt!  It takes time to really know if someone will become a friend or not (or a lover or not).  Too often we impulsively jump into a relationship, whether out of desperation, fear of being alone, insecurity, and/or over-exuberance - only to find that we actually had very little on which to base the relationship. We were really living out some projection, vision or fantasy in our heads.  It takes time to allow ourselves to be more vulnerable, which is what we need to do in order to grow and evolve greater intimacy. One cannot rush this process!!!

Additionally, getting to really know someone takes work at times and is definitely NOT all fun and games.  Part of eating a lot of “salt” together is, indeed, taking the time needed to learn about our interactional dynamics and styles and then learning to be mindful of them. We must also learn to DEVELOP OUR MUTUAL WILLINGNESS AND INTEREST IN adjusting in response to these dynamics and styles as needed.  So many run away at the first sign of rupture or difficulty.  Others simply avoid anything that smacks of confrontation. Often, we simply want it to go our way.

So one can see that a whole set of skills is needed in order to achieve truer and deeper relationships, not the least of which include patience, tolerance, empathy, interest and motivation, faith and ability to delay gratification, to name a few.  This is not to say that one cannot fall in love at first sight or shack up right away, or that it isn’t okay for passion to rule the day.  But it would probably be wise to at least be CONSCIOUS of what we are looking for in any given scenario!

Categories: Being a Psychotherapist, Communication Skills, Couples Issues, Interpersonal Relations, Relationship Tools

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