Psychoanalysis • Psychotherapy • Counseling

David I. Brandt, LCSW, LLC

Montclair, NJ Area

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Does the Perspective of the Listener Matter?

Posted on April 9, 2014 at 11:36 PM Comments comments (5)
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Interesting Commentary on Marriage

Posted on March 29, 2014 at 4:46 PM Comments comments (0)
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(Do you see these couples as potentially peaceful? Bored and mechanized? Close or distant? OK or not OK?)

Can One Ever Successfully Possess or Fully Know Another Person?

Posted on March 29, 2014 at 4:38 PM Comments comments (4)
“Marriage … that odd mixture of violent devotion and legitimate lust in which desire eventually gives way to a forced and decorous composure that captures the essential opacity of even one’s most intimate partner”

Alberto Moravia (translated from Italian)

Getting to Know You!?™

Posted on March 29, 2014 at 4:17 PM Comments comments (0)
Getting to Know You!™

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"A man must eat a peck of salt with his friend, before he knows him.” Miguel De Cervantes

And that is A LOT of salt!  It takes time to really know if someone will become a friend or not (or a lover or not).  Too often we impulsively jump into a relationship, whether out of desperation, fear of being alone, insecurity, and/or over-exuberance - only to find that we actually had very little on which to base the relationship. We were really living out some projection, vision or fantasy in our heads.  It takes time to allow ourselves to be more vulnerable, which is what we need to do in order to grow and evolve greater intimacy. One cannot rush this process!!!

Additionally, getting to really know someone takes work at times and is definitely NOT all fun and games.  Part of eating a lot of “salt” together is, indeed, taking the time needed to learn about our interactional dynamics and styles and then learning to be mindful of them. We must also learn to DEVELOP OUR MUTUAL WILLINGNESS AND INTEREST IN adjusting in response to these dynamics and styles as needed.  So many run away at the first sign of rupture or difficulty.  Others simply avoid anything that smacks of confrontation. Often, we simply want it to go our way.

So one can see that a whole set of skills is needed in order to achieve truer and deeper relationships, not the least of which include patience, tolerance, empathy, interest and motivation, faith and ability to delay gratification, to name a few.  This is not to say that one cannot fall in love at first sight or shack up right away, or that it isn’t okay for passion to rule the day.  But it would probably be wise to at least be CONSCIOUS of what we are looking for in any given scenario!

Problem vs. Solution Focus

Posted on January 26, 2014 at 5:44 PM Comments comments (0)
Problem vs. Solution Focus

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Found this quote below. Sometimes, we really do need to focus in on, and deconstruct, issues, if only to raise our own consciousness of their essential components and/or of the issues themselves. There also comes a point where:

"If I focus on the problem, the problem gets bigger. If I focus on the solution, the solution gets bigger."

Thank you to Twitter @jonniqueen (whoever you may be!?) for this one.

As Paul Simon said, "Remember, one man's ceiling is another man's floor!

Posted on January 21, 2014 at 9:19 PM Comments comments (0)
(Thank you Laura Slap for this one.)


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The Secret Blessing of Letting Go:

Posted on January 3, 2014 at 3:11 PM Comments comments (2)
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A Friend is ...

Posted on January 2, 2014 at 3:23 PM Comments comments (0)
A friend is one to whom one may pour out all the contents of one's heart, chaff and grain together, knowing that the gentlest of hands will take and sift it, keep what is worth keeping and with a breath of kindness blow the rest away.

~George Eliot

Help Your Inner Self to Emerge!

Posted on November 30, 2013 at 1:44 PM Comments comments (0)
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Orienting and Partializing™

Posted on November 30, 2013 at 1:11 PM Comments comments (1)
Orienting and Partializing™

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Tend to procrastinate in the face of bigger, time-consuming tasks? Or in the face of stuff you just don't feel like doing?

Try doing five minutes of the task before lunch or dinner so that you ALREADY are in process/progress with it when you take a break. Now you are over the "unknown" aspect of it.  It is already now familiar and real (vs. built up and imagined) and you might have even started to gain momentum or get ideas about it. So it is easier, then, to get back to the task when your break is over since you are now “oriented" to it.

Partializing particularly larger or more daunting tasks is also a helpful technique. For example, if you have a 600-page novel to read or 400 photos to sift through, you might be hard-pressed to begin. If, instead, you set a REASONABLE amount of the task to do -- say 10 pages per night or 20 photos per day — then, within a week's time, you will have already read at least 70 of the 600 pages or sifted through 140 of the 400 photos. Some nights, you may even find yourself really into the book or enjoying the photos and getting a bit more than your set goal accomplished. Be careful, though, not to go  too  "all out" as you also want to avoid burn-out, which could potentially set you back to avoiding and procrastinating again.

If you find that you still cannot get yourself to undertake larger, more longer-term tasks, then perhaps having some help identifying and exploring possible obstacles might be necessary. Indeed, in some cases, ADD, anxiety, perfectionism, depression or another issue might well make it harder to focus in and/or sit still to get bigger jobs done.  Besides identifying any underlying issue(s), a professional helper can also serve as a coach who can cheer you on.  


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